I love a short joke, oneliners are to jokes what haiku is to poetry. I like to tweet oneliners every now and then, if you follow me on Twitter you know this. Some of these tweets go down well and others get the tumbleweed response. This list is based on the oneliners that fared best on Twitter for me (most retweets and comments), so they have been tried and tested. Feel free to steal them and use yourself, just like I have stolen them from other people on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and everywhere else on the internet.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- My most frequent lie: I’ve read and agree to the Terms and Conditions.
- Nobody’s a virgin… Life screws us all.
- Don’t marry a tennis player – love means nothing to them.
- A jury consists of 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
- Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.
- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
- Did you know that age is an issue of mind over matter? If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
- A résumé should be like a skirt, long enough to cover the basics, short enough to keep them interested…
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- A gym is not designed to make you feel instantly better about yourself. If it wanted to, it would be a bar.
- An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
- What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
- What do you call an eskimo chav? Innuit.
- What the average man wants to get out of his new car is the kids.
- Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
- Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
- Did you ever notice that the evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
- Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.
Do you have more oneliners to add to the list? Please let me know in the comments or just tweet me!
More wisdom over at the Top 10 Personal Branding Quotes from People Who Made It.